lick my instrument: candy art part 2

APOLOGIES. Rhonda has been on the road. This is how we do.
Unfortunately, it's been a rocky road, where there is no wireless.
To try and make up for it, Rhonda will have to resort to re-fantasizing the journey, and re-entering blog-land by re-doing an old muti-part post.
If life were sweet, I would have rolled with this sugar-coated baby.
I would take out my candy purse:


and I would play the sweetest jamz you've ever heard:

Side A:
Trick Daddy- Sugar (gimme some)
Snoop Dogg- Candy
Lil Kim- How many licks
Kelis- Milkshake
50 Cent- Candy Shop
D4L- Laffy Taffy
New Edition- Candy Girl
"What's Up With Da Cookies" - Juney Boomdata
"Goodies" - Ciara
Lil Wayne - Lollipop
TLC - This Is What It Tastes Like
Cameo - Candy
Pitbull f/ Twista - Candyman
Will Smith - Candy

Now that's just the tunes that go with the gumball hummer. But please don't think that those are the only sticky songs out there. MORE CANDY MUSIC TO COME!

worse than what?

The special library archive I work in contains one of the finest university collections of English and American rare books and manuscripts, a prominent archive of downtown New York art from when that was, like, a scene, and 20,000 cookbooks. So, naturally, every now and again we find something tucked back in there that can really only be described as a gem. 

Let Them Give Head

Excerpt from my assigned weekly reading:

"With the coming of the Revolution in 1789, the floodgates opened, and the number of pamphlets attacking the queen rapidly rose in number. These took various forms, ranging from songs and fables to presumed biographies (such as the Essai historique), confessions, and plays. Sometimes, the writings were pornographic with little explicit political content; the 16-page pamphlet in verse called Le Godmiché royal (The royal dildo), for example, told the story of Junon (the queen) and Hébée (presumably either the duchesse de Polignac or the princesse de Lamballe). Junon complained of her inability to obtain satisfaction at home, while pulling a dildo out of her bag ('Happy invention that we owe to the monastery'). Her companion promises her penises of almost unimaginably delicious size...."

- from "The many bodies of Marie-Antoinette: political pornography and the problem of the feminine in the French Revolution", by Lynn Hunt (emphasis mine).

how do you feel about foreskins?

see: WikiForeskin vs. WikiCircumcision

in amerika, encounters with the circumcised variety of penes was the norm... but a sampling of international penes leads me to believe that perhaps circumcision is a weird amerikan thing. what do you think?

Spam Poetry by Sandy Miller, Annalise Bardot, Halle Moric, Thuy Dorminey, Elnora Reimund, and "drugs"

His arrival with nearly 3,000 men inspired the worn soldiers of holland with new confidence.

But we must give him an answer.
Allow me to introduce you to my daughter, said the countess, with heightened color.

Nevertheless, tidings of what was going on in the island of hispaniola at length found their way to the ears of ferdinand and isabella.

We shall see whether he cannot attach you to himself or find a place for you somewhere nearer the sun.
But then the expression of severity changed, and he drew pierres hand downwards, made him sit down, and smiled affectionately.

Your manhood will give girls the heaven pleasure!

Having witnessed an almost continuous process of downfall of the various authorities, it is only natural that the sense of loyalty to spain should have become somewhat obscured in the minds of the peruvians.

They rode up the opposite hill.
The count was lighting his pipe and did not notice his sons condition.

Hate me

Increase Her Pleasure Tonight.

Close to Me

Sex in the future is going to be completely hygienic and not-at-all gross. I look forward to the simply sitting, and the simply staring, and the biomechanical gizmos that will finally take the beast out of the beast-with-two-whatevers. Some examples:


Wouldn't you like to bump helmets with Sylvester Stallone? Especially if you didn't have to touch his totally weird roidal bubble-flesh?


This is just before Duran Duran's Orgasm Organ, of course. And the cast acrylic torture chamber full of ravenous birds. Maybe the future is too freaky after all.

Still, if you want a taste of that sweet there-without-being-there in the intercourse department, the slick motorized future according to one poorly formatted website is "...poised to take the world by storm in the next few years."

shock & awe & scorched earth dance style

As we all know, the 80's were very important, especially for spectacular Italian variety shows, and the rubberized modern danseuses / pop idorus / future sad myspace users that would blow everyone's mind with a chicken flapping moonwalk.

FIRST TIMES: BABY BRUCIE'S FIRST MALE CAMELTOE SIGHTING

i was sitting zazen, spacing out with beer in hand, when like in a slow motion dream i looked up and saw it, rather saw them - the outline of two balls pressed too-snugly against a man's white pants as he sat (legs slightly splayed) on a chair above me. they weren't really something i wanted to see, but at the same time, i was intrigued. did he know he was essentially flashing his junk to the whole room? are white pants ever a good idea? what is a male cameltoe called anyway?

according to WikiCameltoe, it's called moose knuckles.

THE MORE YOU KNOW...

skinny bitches

we don't even need to talk about the commercial product angle or the domestic idolization angle. we just need to talk about how this is probably the best masturbating on a laundry machine i've ever seen:

what is the nastiest word in the english language?

previous votes have gone to SMEGMA and MOIST

My Body As Love Doll, man vs. woman

this one goes out to all my bitches

if some skank named me snickers and tried to put this shit on my head, i'd bite her fucking face off.

disturbing photos on wikipedia

here are some classics:
WikiSmegma
WikiHumanFeces
obviously these subjects deserve their own discussions, but for now i just want to point out the disturbing photos that have been posted in the wikipedia entries - it's interesting to think about who posted these photos and why. i imagine the contributors get a perverse enjoyment out of thinking that a photo of their dirty dick or their shit on a plate is being looked at by probably 100s or 1000s of anonymous internet surfers. it's like some sort of sick joke. is it funny? maybe. yes.

"you're sexy, you're cute - take off that riot suit!"

i woke up this morning horrified to see this account of the G20 Pittsburgh protests on the front front page:

At first my reaction was reasonable: some asshole cop has not only handcuffed this socially-conscious basketball fan, but he is taking the extra step of gently but firmly pushing his nose, just because he can. aaaw, "mugging for the cameras." then i read the caption: "riot police officer adjusts protester's glasses." wait, what? i'm sure that's not what happened. a quick search of AP images from the week reveals this is one small, sweet moment amongst much more frequent moments of neighborhood-protester solidarity. and THEN i remembered that there are people that really like this sort of thing:

there's some comments underneath this photo on flickr, which i don't understand at all. is it a japanese thing? NO. but i had to listen to this song on the radio for six months before i was able to acknowledge what it was actually about:


a girl i was friends with in highschool used to drive around in a lifted jeep safari with a 3 ft. tall glass bong in the back, visible from the road. she had this bumpersticker on the back/ did it help? i don't know, but she never got actually actually arrested:

intimate mess

Last night I was rejected by text message as my train crossed the Manhattan Bridge, so when I got home I smothered my heartbreak in booze and Internet dating (mild palliatives, to be sure, but after all, this was just a 1-night stand). My drink of choice was a perky pink-lemonade-from-a-can and gin mixture (times 4), and my site was OkCupid. 

I joined OkCupid sometime last spring in order to stalk my roommate's dates along with her and somewhere along the line it sucked me in. I've never been on a date with any of these people, and I never respond to their occasional IM ("intimate message") requests, but I still go back every now and again (when I'm drunk) to see who has the cleverest profile so that I can send him a creepy message or two. 

He never writes back.

Last night, I picked out this 28 year-old Brooklynite called "okhoopla." He had taken some of the OkCupid quizzes—so I knew that his dating persona was "Loverboy", his lover profile was "Exotic", he was 62% slut, had 55% accurate gaydar, and was an "English Genius" who's "mostly straight" (sign me up!)—but other than that his profile was almost entirely bare. For some reason, in my drunken state, this was appealing to me.

And then there were the three photos he'd posted. They were also pretty non-descript: one of him leaning against a kitchen counter in front of a case of Poland Spring water, one of him staring pensively off into the sky, one of a drawing of Moby Dick plunging into the ocean. That last one really sealed the deal, and I decided to send him this:

some caption suggestions:

1) Polish Springs

2) Are you there God, it's me, okhoopla

3) Dick diving

Looking back on it today, I was especially happy about #3, and I set out to invent my own slang definition of what the phrase "dick diving" could mean. I came up with two possibilities:

1) When you go out to a bar or club or something with the single-minded (though often unspoken) intention of bringing a man home with you. (Sample sentence:  Ooh, yes, Soul Night is always cram-packed with wieners. Looks like we're going dick diving tonight!)

or

2) When a man is particularly poorly-endowed, and you have to do some searching around to get to his penis. (Sample sentence: "He was so small, I had to go dick diving just to go down on him!")

So...the second one is kind of mean, and it doesn't even really make sense (I really can't imagine that happening), but I just sort of liked the way it sounded in a sentence. 

But what do you guys think? Do you like these definitions? Should I start popularizing this term? SHOULD I???

credit where credit is due

because flavorian actually got his doctorate in the internet.

better than transcendental meditation.

DON'T BOMB THE MOON

because my friend annie murphy is so fuckin good.

NAMESAKE SHOUTOUT

guest awesomeness from the gradiose and interconnected DOCTOR FLAVORIAN aka CRACKTEAM THERAMINIST aka OSAMA BIN TUPAC, who wants to remind you that you really should get on the internet and talk to him more often.
We're all WEST COAST over here and so even if this post appears to be registering in eastern standard time, that shit is wrong.
the best coast is right. and we'd like to show you how we do it.
ANYWAYS THE GOODS:



which is not quite like the throwdown that occurs with gin and juice, but still, here's some more parties that don't stop....


apparently not as hot as putting on jeans...


and def. not as hot as doin' it doggystyle...


thought about makin this the banner but then thought it'd make me sick...


and finally, this has just snuck out of the house and onto the intranets:




It's a killah disguised as an opium purveyor disguised as a very sexy small man behind a curtain. I've got the secret link to get it, if you haven't got it. Because Flavorian's got it all.

Clearly, this is only the tip of the DOGGBERG. but without sound on my computer, this will have to do for nows.

you MUST already know about this

i'm looking at YOU, co-bloggers:




and then this one i just couldn't resist:

got hemorrhoids?

this is the front of my building

eugene hütz (of gogol bordello) is a beautiful man

with an amazing moustache

[newsingsfromthenw]: animals corner art market

not wolf t-shirts, lisa frank dolphin folders (wait, those aren't cool), or feathers in your hair!



No, kids, I'm talking about a newly discovered print-making method: which I can't embed right now:
http://www.oregonlive.com/news/index.ssf/2009/08/newport_when_marine_mammalogis.html

The real story is actually about a book coming out - summer 2009?!but that ends today! - featuring one of my favorite topics
OF ALL TIME:



ANIMALS MAKING ART.

one of those things that makes you wonder what it even means to be human anymore.
am i right?
not to mention that this is written by Tifane Grayce - that's right, spell it - the author of
such life-saving tomes as Horse Tales - that's right, spell it - for the Soul. Tifane was inspired by watching Koko the gorilla pull her own fur out of a painting in frustration. No kidding. What artist can't empathize with that? Tifane also paints portraits of animals on ostrich eggs and distributes them world-wide.
Anyways, furinmypaint.com won't let me steal the pictures. Luckily, though, the press releases provide a glimpse of the magic:




Then there's the wide wide world of elephant art, which includes a National Geographic website hosting hundreds of works for sale, as well as this lovely piece:



(Detail from a painting by Noppakhao, an elephant from Thailand, at the SAW Gallery in Ottowa. I sure as hell couldn't do that.)
Here's a star of that show:



I don't know if this counts, but it kinda counts:


Then there's turtle art, from turtlekiss.com:



made by this guy Koopa, who is clearly slowly slowly making his way across the page:



He is assisted in this endeavor by his human collaborator Kira, who makes surprisingly similar art:


(entitled "New Hope 217").
The real difference here, though, is that Kira makes art with her BREASTS. for a good cause. And in the end, it is creating with one's mammalian appendages to raise money for medical research that is ultimately what makes us human.
At least for 2k9, anyways.

this is probably inappropriate

...but sometimes facebook can be a real resource.

Review: Sayaka Tsutsumi Park Fuck

it used to be that when i thought about japanese pornography, i was assaulted with images of tentacle rape and artistic(?) rope bondage. however, talking to other people, a different fantasy emerged - the passive woman who whimpers pitifully (and sometimes cries) during sex. after hearing way too many western men "joke" about whether they would prefer sleeping with a whimpering japanese woman or a screeching western woman (usually this question also involved discussing skinny bodies vs. bigger bodies, but that's a whole other can of worms), i decided i needed to investigate... which thanks to the explosion of free porn on the internets (proof that god exists??!), was not a difficult task.

actually, the first video i found exemplified all the stereotypes i had heard discussed by my male compatriots. i actually watched it a really long time ago, but it has since been scarred in my memory in various horrible ways. you have been warned! but if you're curious, please watch (definitely NOT SAFE FOR WORK! or any other public place, unless you're one of those pervs in the public library).

there are many things that creep me out about this porn. here they are, though keep in mind that this is not meant to be a criticism of japanese culture, but rather some observations about this video seen through my own fucked up lens.

1. it's creepy that the schoolgirl has such a mature body - she's obviously not old old, but she's definitely much older than an actual schoolgirl. doesn't that kill the fantasy? maybe i'm just not willing to suspend disbelief for the sake of getting off, which makes sense because i don't actually find the idea of schoolgirls (or even schoolboys) the least bit tantalizing.
2. the whimpering! she keeps saying, "ya da!" which sort of means "ewww, no!" this isn't an all-american case of "no means no" because she's not exactly giving a strong "no," more like a childish, cutesy sort-of no that doesn't really exactly mean no. this is probably the thing in the video that has scarred my everyday life, because now whenever i hear this common phrase i am reminded of this creepy scene.
3. THE KISSING! who kisses like that? it looks more like a facemash, and it does not look very enjoyable. maybe it's just me?
4. crazy pubes! i don't have anything against pubes, but the way in which they obscure everything that's going on (what's going where?? i can't see through all the hair!) is sort of a let down. on the other hand, there is something creepy about how most american porn features hairless penes & vages. personally, i don't really enjoy watching shaved balls bounce around as some meat-head is pounding away (also, this brings up a couple more key questions: 1. does the intended audience [men] want to see some dude's shaved balls bouncing around? 2. why aren't male porn actors that attractive? [*i guess because they're chosen for having big dicks, and also the intended audience {men} don't give a shit that the man in the porn is ugly as fuck])

overall, watching this porn was an eye-opening experience, one that has definitely cast a creepy sheen to my everyday life. it has also made me curious about what more hardcore japanese porn is like, since it seems like the whimpering schoolgirl theme is probably on the softer side of things. but i guess this is an area where there's a big gap in my knowledge, which is perhaps for the best.

thoughts, comments? did you like the video? do you FACEMASH kiss?

"we are ugly but we have the music": unrequited video love

the original's about janis, or so they say. Rhonda secretly wants to be like janis, but with more diamonds, less hair. the moldy peaches are terrible - but this is pretty good. gotta admire anyone who can sing over the same stanza for almost 7 minutes. i've got more of those but i'll save 'em for laters.

caged animals

sometimes simple says it best. sometimes someone that isn't yer video director says it best.
sometimes i'm not sure if i am the monkey, the man chasing the monkey, the man that made the monkey put those overalls on, or the person making bank off this by filming it for japanese tv...
oh, whatevs. here's to the pains of love. particularly inter-species pool-side love.

minnie the moocher

i am the walrus dancer, cab calloway.

satan visits the children

made by will vinton studios (california raisins). i love how the children look strangely old, and the "my name is satan" line gets me every time!

eat my face: a lesson in art appreciation

When Rhonda Rhombus was a young girl on shores of the Pacific, she was taken every holiday season to visit her cranky grandmother in the grand metropolis of NEW YORK CITY. In this magical place of sleet, smog, and mallomars, 8 year old Rhonda had a life-changing experience. Although she had grown up amongst circus entertainers, cartoonists, film producers, and men that played the spoons on their knees, Rhonda believed that these pursuits were just a part of the party of life. It was not until one day in the NYC, upon entering some long-lost yet probably reputable gallery, that she finally understood just what makes "art" so "great": CANDY ART.

Unfortunately, this revelation came accompanied by not only a appreciation of art pieces, but an overwhelming desire to touch them and lick them. And the knowledge that most people thought that was wrong.

For the next several decades, Rhonda searched ceaselessly for these inspired artists and their kinfolk while determined to avoid dental work. The chocolate-frosting portraits of George Washington, life-sized replicas of beloved pets in Jello, board games constructed from hard candies, and other mystical creations from the 80s seem to have slipped through the cracks of internet documentation: a sweet sweet but all too dissolvable moment in the art world. But the light that they have shown on the possibilities of artistic process lives on. So while it's not a whole art exhibit, for now, this will have to do. Besides, apparently the proceeds from the sale of this piece all went to a charity of Clooney's choosing - and what could a girl want more than candy art for a good cause?

OOPS! I guess I forgot....

well, it's all a little blurry. i spent the day like a good american, tubin' down the rapids, bra full of iPhone, cooler full of coors light. better to celebrate our great nation's deaths on a Sunday, am i right?
anyways, here's to the memory of all those taken down by the two-prong.

salad fingers

nettles

just another manic monday

[SPAM] Seaxual Fantasies In Women Cheanged The Way They Make Love

the day before my birthday i received an excellent present, this amazing spam mail!! who (or what kind of robot) took the time to illustrate these cute penes? and just look at how meticulously their single strands of hair are drawn. don't know about you, but i'm impressed.

welcome to the jungle

test test testes 1 2 3